So tonight, as I am assembling dinner,
(Note: I cannot call it cooking.
It feels like I put the proper healthy things on plates,
but I derive no joy from it,
so I get an assembly line vibe)
I realize there is enough time for one of the girls to get in the bath before dinner,
thus making after-dinner bath-book-bed march less of a Byzantine dilemma.
Matt is at the hospital doing good deeds,
so there is no reasonable, rational person in this house to stop my nonsense.
There should be no need for nonsense anyway.
On a normal day, the girls squabble over who gets the first bath,
and they have rules and agreements they have made amongst themselves that I do not know because I do not want to know.
But tonight?
Bizarro World.
Nobody will take the first bath, which is all warm and fab,
and I am like,
"What is wrong with you girls? You normally fight over who gets this bath?
Stop changing all the time!
It is exhausting."
And since I am left to my own devices,
which can never be considered reasonable or rational,
I try to think of a lure, a bait,
or a way to spin the first bath into something awesome.
(Note: The bath is already awesome.
And they know that,
and bicker over that issue every other day but today.)
Since I know, kind of,
when dinner assembly stuff will be ready:
(Note: I don't wear a watch.
Proof: http://www.iwantanintern.com/2013/11/no-sorry-i-dont-have-time-or-watch-and.html)
I know I have a time constraint (I HATE those) to get somebody into that bath.
Bribery to take a bath seems like a totally horrible,
I will regret that in the long term idea.
Nothing to use as blackmail.
Can't take the time to write a contract or have a dance - off.
And then I thought, what is the Cro Magnon,
easiest and quickest thing I can come up with in two seconds?
Answer: Rock, Paper, Scissors.
Only other quick thing I could think of was "pick a number between one and ten."
I can't tolerate the "pick a number between one and ten" contest.
Because there is no way to prove the person with the alleged number in their head is not totally lying and orchestrating things unfairly.
And I can't think of anything else I can do extemporaneously.
So I'm like,
"Hey girls?
Get out of wherever you are sequestered hiding from me,
we are going to do a Rock, Paper, Scissors thing."
And that is apparently siren call - they all appear in front of me in two seconds.
So I am like, "Ok. You guys are clearly deranged and nobody wants this awesome first bath.
It is now Rock, Paper, Scissors for the bath."
The following ensues:
M: "Does the winner get the bath,
or not have to take a bath,
or pick a sister to take the bath?"
V: "You can't play Rock, Paper, Scissors with three people."
E: "I vote V takes the bath."
Me:
(Internally thinking, drat.
I did not think about all these rules and how I can make this play out with three people.
I am going to have to make up some stuff fast.)
Me:
(Speaking off the top of my head, not silently lamenting):
"Ok. Here are the rules:
1. You cannot invent something like "nuclear fire bomb with spikes" or "end of the world."
2. Rock, Paper, Scissors.
No other options.
Anyone who makes up something,
or deviates from the three options is automatically disqualified,
and gets the first bath.
Which?
By the way,
is warm and foamy and you are all crazy people for not jumping in it right now.
3. No Two out of Three.
4. If one person wins,
victoriously crushes or cuts or covers or whatever?
That person goes over by me,
and the two who did not win face off.
5. If two people win,
the one person who did not win goes in the bath,
and the other two face off for second place.
6. If you all throw the same thing,
we start over.
They are all,
BRING IT ON.
I cannot believe this is working.
Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot:
V is scissors, E and M rocks.
V goes and gets in the bath, no argument,
which there shouldn't be an argument anyway,
because on any other day they all WANT the first bath.
But I am still astonished my made-up thing worked.
And get this?
E and M are now Rock, Paper, Scissoring for who gets the second bath.
Winner GETS the bath,
not avoids it.
I am a genius!
Accidental, absurd,
spontaneous contest throwing as parenting tool genius,
but I will take my tiny, random victories whenever I can.
